With over a decade of design experience and the best looking ezine ever (and all the cred that comes with it), I felt it time to lob bombs on people who spend more time shopping for vintage corduroy jackets to go with their beanie than developing album art to disguise the band’s mediocre effort hidden just behind it. Unless you’re 16 years old or brain damaged there’s no excuse for crap like this. You weren’t supposed to take “Don’t try” literally.
We haven’t been around in a while, so while this is largely 2011 stuff, we brought back a few oldies for their come-uppance. You’re welcome.
Raekwon – Shaolin vs. Wu-Tang (Dead Horse Mention)
This has all the elements of a metal band’s wet dream finished off by Raekwon who looks like he’s trying to mind-meld you into believing this isn’t the nine millionth time a Wu-Tang alum has ridden the group’s name/shtick into the ground.
Ty Segall (Fwd: fwd: fwd: fwd: FWD: fwd: Mention)
My grandma loves this album cover.
Helms Alee – Weatherhead (This is Relevant, Right? Mention)
Your band has a space cat with glowing eyes on the cover. Congratulations, no matter how good your album is, you’ve officially shit the bed.
…Trail of the Dead – Tao of the Dead (Whoops… career? Mention)
The only thing more surprising than the fact that Trail of the Dead are still around (hey guys, you kinda squandered that 10.0 rating there, didn’t you? Arcade Fire only got a 9.7 and those motherfuckers are taking off!) is that it took them this long to finally have album art that matches their overwrought college rock.
Arctic Monkeys – Suck It and See (GET IT? Mention)
Suck It and See carries on the fine AM tradition of total non-subtlety and cloying self-awareness. Also, broadly advertising the fact that the band would cease to exist if double entendre and overdone metaphor weren’t allowed. You know, like Clutch.
Oh, and guys? Grim Reaper not only beat you to that title by over two decades, but they also had the decency to not make a huge production about how fucking awesome and/or clever they were being.
Cults – Cults (Horrible Dance Music for White Hipster Kids Mention)
“You know who had great commercials a few years back? The Gap. Remember how everyone was dancing and having a good time and shit? Yeah, do that, except your music is ‘dark’, so let’s throw in some of that old Calvin Klein ad flavor. And then market it to American Apparel kids.” – Record label A&R assbag
Weezer – Raditude (“You Want ‘Buddy Holly’ Again? Fuck You” mention)
Some sensitive guys, when you make fun of them, shoot up a school or start The Juliana Theory. Other guys decide to make a career out of saying “fuck you” to the people that rejected their one honest piece of work (Pinkerton, obviously) by releasing increasingly self-aware parodies of the one album fans flipped out over (i.e. The Blue Album). Rivers has to be wondering, at this point in his career, just how obvious he can make the middle finger.
Best Coast – Crazy for You (Unacceptable Cat Cover Repeat Mention)
Another cat cover. If ever there were a great way to give a prospective buyer hints that you have absolutely nothing fucking interesting to offer as a band, this is a pretty good way to go about it.
