Gossip columnist DJ TrustFun, 32, of the greater Los Angeles area, died July 7, 2010 from complications surrounding a fevered ego, half-assed website updates, a DJ “career,” and chronic mooching. TrustFun was preceded in death by a record label (lost to SIDS) and The Icarus Line (lost to Mononucleosis contracted from a toilet seat frequented by Queens of the Stone Age and the Stooges).
Born in 2000, TrustFun was delivered into the internet kicking, screaming, and thieving during the nascent days of shit-slinging, gossip columns, and mean-spirited humor. His legacy includes stealing celebrity cell phone numbers and nü-metal figurehead Fred Durst’s prized ball caps, a “$uckin’ Dick$” prank tag on the Strokes’ tour bus, overuse of the phrase “## dudes named XXXXXXX are stoked” and all variants, a gossip column, countless grudges that may or may not be legitimate, three dozen new record labels that never quite saw the light of day, and continued love for the Gallagher brothers despite them being the fucking Gallagher brothers.
By all accounts, TrustFun’s corpse remains unaware of its vacancy, so friends and family are invited to call Saturday from 2 p.m. to 6 p.m. — or whenever it drags its ass out of some other overly trusting, aspiring model’s bed — to the Ram Dass Funeral Home, 113 Sunset Blvd, Los Angeles. A memorial service will follow at 6 p.m., wherein loved ones will encourage the deceased to just give up on the website and get a job already, Jesus!
Illustration credit: Austen Caldwell of Iron, Unkind fame